Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~ "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."

Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the Catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."

Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

Victor Borge

Be careful about reading Health books. You may die of a misprint.

Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.


I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his Diamonds back.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.

Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

W.C. Fields

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

Phyllis Diller

By the Time a man Is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. -- Billy Crystal

And best of all:

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

Will Rogers


If you talk to God, you are praying;
if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.

Thomas Szasz

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
Scottish Proverb

Scottish Proverb

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing:
either the car is new or the wife.

Kissing is a means of getting two people so close that they canít see anything wrong with each other.

Gene Yasenak


I was born intelligent -
Education ruined me.


Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect..... .
So why practice?


If it's true that we are here to help others,
Then what exactly are the others here for?


Since light travels faster than sound,
People appear bright until you hear them speak.


How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?


Money is not everything.
There's MasterCard & Visa.


If your father is a poor man,
It is your fate but,
If your father-in-law is a poor man,
It's your stupidity.


Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two woman.


Every man or woman should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in Life.


The wise never marry.
And when they marry they become otherwise.


Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.


When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

Never put off the work till tomorrow
What you can put off today.


"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep


There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning


"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk


I don't worry about terrorism.
I was  married for two years.

Sam Kinison

"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours


God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.


The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. Why learn.


A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station....
What more can I say........


The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. 

Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail. 

If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs. 

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water. 

How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night? 

Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without. 

Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks? 

Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job. 

No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car. 

There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity. 

There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM.  It could be a right number. 

Think about this..., No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning. 

I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it. 

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket. 

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD LADIES running around with tattoos?  (and RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!). 

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than in a Fiat. 

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.